I'm On A Boat!
by Aelimir
Summary: Erik X Charles, AU with no powers, rated for F bombs. Erik discovers his boyfriend's boat obsessed neighbor is Shaw and he is determined to get revenge on his childhood nemesis. Inspired by the "I'm On A Boat" fanvid by forgerness.


So I see this fanvid: http colon slash slash www dot youtube dot com slash watch?v=CYX4EcM1ARQ&feature=related and I think, wouldn't be funny if everyone had no powers, and Shaw was Erik and Charles's boat obsessed neighbor? And that is how this fic came to be! The lyric quotes are from "I'm on a Boat" by The Lonely Island. Just something I wrote real quick to amuse myself and break the tension of a serious story I'm working on.

**Erik X Charles don't like, don't read.**

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><p>"I'M ON AT BOAT! I'M ON A BOAT! TAKE A GOOD HARD LOOK AT THE MOTHERFUCKIN' BOAT!"<p>

Erik glared out hatefully at the admittedly badass boat out on the lake. Their neighbor, Sebastian Shaw, owned it and spent countless hours on it, sipping wine with his girlfriend, Emma Frost, and playing that stupid song over and over.

"I'M ON A BOAT MOTHERFUCKER TAKE A LOOK AT ME! STRAIGHT FLOATIN' ON A BOAT ON THE DEEP BLUE SEA!"

Shaw wasn't _technically_ his neighbor, per say, since Erik didn't officially live here, though he spent so much time here, he practically did. Charles Xavier owned the house - in fact, the entire lakeside subdivision. He rented the properties out to people, not for money, but so that his college students could afford a decent place to live where they could get their studies done in peace and quiet. It was a mystery why he rented the place next door to Shaw, who graduated from college years ago.

Erik himself wasn't a college student. He was a handyman for hire. Charles had called him when he found, to his frustration, that his satellite dish wasn't working and the company wouldn't come out for another week. God forbid that he miss a single episode of the college channel on genetics. So Erik had come out, crawled up on the roof, and moved that thing with a herculean effort until Charles told him it was all good. Erik climbed back down, and approached Charles, thinking he looked good enough to eat. Charles had offered payment, but Erik informed him, half jokingly, that he'd prefer a kiss. To his shock, Charles kissed him and quite thoroughly too. When asked if that would cover the labor cost, Erik informed him that he would accept that only as a down payment.

So he'd been invited back, and he often found himself on the roof, moving that satellite dish, putting Charles further in debt. Erik had informed him recently that it would take months, at the very least, to pay it off his bill at the rate he was going. Charles responded by having him move it again. Erik suspected Charles wasn't really _all_ that interested in the cooking show on the other channel, more in the show of strength Erik presented when moving the damn thing. Sooner or later he would insist on Charles calling the real repairman, but for now, it was a fun little game between them.

The only downside being having to put up with seeing Shaw parade around like he was king of the world on his oversized monstrosity. He and Shaw had been enemies dating back to kindergarten. Shaw had stolen his lunch money. When Erik asked for it back, because that was all the money he had, Shaw mockingly gave him back one penny. Things had gone downhill in their relationship from there. Erik kept that penny with him all the time, swearing he'd get proper revenge with it one day when he caught up with him again. He really hadn't expected Shaw to end up being his boyfriend's neighbor, but life worked in mysterious ways.

When Erik made it back to the living room couch, he collected his 'payment.' Charles was really a most satisfactory kisser. After they broke apart, Charles looked at him with some apprehension.

"What?" asked Erik.

"I was wondering if you could help me out with something else?"

"That'll cost you," promised Erik.

"More kisses?"

"I was thinking more in terms of say, maybe a shirt."

Charles smiled, not objecting. "You see, Erik, every year I hold a friendly boat race between all the residents of my neighborhood out in the lake here. I was wondering if you'd make some adjustments to my boat so it'll be ready?"

Erik grinned. "You're on."

Charles took off his shirt and handed it to him. "Here's a payment in advance."

Erik's smile widened, discarding the shirt and putting his hands on Charles's bare chest. That boat could wait a bit longer. He had his payment to collect first.

"I'M ON THE DECK WITH MY BOYS MOTHERFUCKER! THIS ENGINE MAKES NOISE MOTHERFUCKER!"

_Not_ the most romantic of background music. In fact, especially considering who was playing it, it was extremely off-putting. Erik slammed all the windows shut, thankfully blocking most of it out, before returning his attention to Charles.

Later on, he and Charles were dining at his table. Charles entertained him with stories about the people around the neighborhood, and their boats they used in the annual competition. Shaw apparently always won. Charles didn't seem to think anything of this, but Erik's irritation grew with the knowledge.

"First, there's Hank. I only know his name because that's how he signs his rent payment. Nobody really sees much of him, though it isn't for lack of trying on Raven's part. I think he works a lot in the lab. I've heard the others joke he's building a bomb in there, or designing his boat so it teleports. His boat is aptly named Beast, a big, blue, sturdy thing. He does quite well but never has quite managed to beat Shaw.

Then there's Raven, of course. She's my younger sister and lives next to Hank. You will probably see her eventually. She can't seem to decide how her boat is going to look. It keeps changing. Often I see her try to make it look like Hank's, but then she changes it again. She at least keeps the name the same, 'Mystique.'

Then there's Alex Summers, who seems more interested in his oversized water guns than anything else in the race, attempting to shoot everyone. He doesn't aim things very well though, including his boat, so he tends to leave behind a trail of very wet destruction. So it comes as no surprise to anyone that he named his boat 'Havoc.'

Sean lives next to Alex. His boat, 'Banshee', is very fast, so it almost looks like it's flying, and it makes this godawful noise when it does, but he never wins despite his speed because Angel, his other neighbor, always manages to cut him off.

Odd that she does, because she doesn't seem to be interested in winning herself, letting Shaw take the victory. She named the boat after herself, which I think is rather narcissistic, but to each his own. It's quite the beauty, and it has guns on it that I suspect are quite real. She's never done anything with them so I've never commented, but it's always good to keep an eye out, you know?

Darwin lives at the end of the street. His mode of transport on both land and sea is a little amphicar. Quite the adaptable fellow he is! He usually comes in last, but everyone loves his amphicar and he loves showing it off, so he doesn't seem to mind.

Janos and Azazel like to join in too, even though they don't live in my subdivision. They like to hang out with Shaw on his boat, though sometimes they bring their own boats, Riptide and Devil's Maw. Azazel always looks horribly sunburned. I've repeatedly offered him aloe and 100 spf sunblock, but he always turns me down. It hurts just to look at that poor fellow!"

Erik smirked. Since Azazel was Shaw's friend, he didn't feel too sympathetic towards him.

"Oh, and this lady named Moira always comes too, I don't know why. She works at the college where I'm a professor and she always shows up at unexpected moments. She never seems to understand how to operate her boat and I have to show it to her over and over. Then she gets confused as to where the finish line is and insists on following me the whole time. It really is quite perplexing! I don't understand how anyone could be that ditsy!"

Erik smiled. It was obvious Moira had a thing for Charles, but he didn't feel jealous because it was equally obvious Charles didn't return her feelings.

"The meter man, Logan, always watches the race and judges it for us. I invited him when I started talking to him and found out that he has a boat too, named Wolverine. Not the most approachable, that one, told me to go fuck myself the first few times I tried to chat him up, but he warmed up with persistence, and I admit, alcohol."

Erik shook his head disbelievingly. Only Charles.

"Speaking of boats...I hope you don't mind, but I took the liberty of buying you a boat. It's christened 'Magneto' and it's decorated like it's a shark. Quite groovy in my opinion though of course you are always welcome to change it. I'm having it delivered in time for the race."

"You didn't have to do that," said Erik, touched.

"Nonsense, Erik! You're practically family now and I couldn't bear to leave you out of it!"

Erik smiled in response, not comfortable with expressing how he felt about that. Charles seemed to understand.

So for the next week, Erik found himself working on Charles's boat, called 'Professor X.' And to think he'd called Angel narcissistic! Erik didn't comment, though. He had more concerning things grating on his nerves, like that extremely annoying song that Shaw still hadn't gotten tired of, strutting around on his boat.

"GONNA FLY THIS BOAT TO THE MOON SOMEHOW! LIKE KEVIN GARNETT, ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!"

This only cemented his determination that at least one person was going to beat Shaw this year. Charles didn't understand his grudge against Shaw, and Erik's efforts to explain it, along with the penny, only earned him confused looks. He didn't even seem to notice Shaw's self-aggrandizing habits until Erik pointed it out, which made Charles comment absently, "Oh yes, he does that."

The day of the race finally arrived. Barely in sight, Logan sat in Wolverine at the finish line, managing to look grumpy even at this distance, as they all lined up in their boats. Moira, fortunately, had ducked out early, complaining she needed to make a call and her cell phone didn't get service out there. Charles looked confused, he got excellent cell service. Erik suspected it was actually because she had finally realized Charles was gay, and taken. Erik certainly hadn't bothered to be discreet with Charles when she had approached them, kissing him full on the lips. It was shortly after that she had made her excuse, discreet apparently not being in her vocabulary.

Alex shot one of his waterguns, signaling the beginning of the race. Shaw, predictably, started up his song.

"GET YOUR TOWELS READY, IT'S ABOUT TO GO DOWN! EVERYBODY IN THE PLACE HIT THE FUCKING DECK! BUT STAY ON YOUR MOTHERFUCKIN' TOES!"

Sean with Banshee, predictably, took the early lead, Angel right behind him. Erik couldn't decide what was worse, the sound of Banshee, or Shaw's song, which continued to blare as loud as his speakers would go for the entire race.

Now that he was close up, Erik took a reluctant look at the name painted on Shaw's boat. His expression was truly priceless as he read: SHAW IS DA BOMB.

That was _it._ He was going _down,_ whatever it took. He quickly formulated a plan, which he communicated to Charles.

"I suppose stopping his boat would bring more excitement to the competition," he allowed.

"I'm not going to stop his boat. I'm going to kill the engine."

"Erik, killing the engine will not bring you peace."

"Peace was never an option." Erik fought back a smile. Charles was so adorable, even when he was being obtuse. Maybe especially then.

Penny in hand, Erik sneaked aboard Shaw's boat while Charles distracted Shaw. It seemed Charles was very good at keeping people's attention when he wanted because Shaw never once seemed to notice Erik's presence on the ship. He shoved the penny into a key part of the engine, setting off a domino effect that would lead to it's destruction. Erik returned to Magneto, and Charles, seeing this, returned to Professor X.

Shaw appeared frozen in place as the unmistakable sounds of his engine failing reached him. His boat slowed, then stopped. Everyone passed him, even Darwin, who looked thrilled to not be in last place for once. Statuesque, he still hadn't moved even when everyone crossed the finish line, starting with Hank (the winner) and ending with Darwin. His boat floated adrift in the lake, completely dead. His song quit playing. Devil's Maw, Riptide, and Angel ended up towing him into his dock.

Days later, after Erik had finished moving the last of the things into Charles's house, officially moving in, he heard the song again.

"I'M THE KING OF THE WORLD, ON A BOAT LIKE LEO, IF YOU'RE ON THE SHORE, THEN YOU'RE SHO' NOT ME-OH!"

So, the engine was fixed. Shaw was at it again. Somehow, Erik didn't mind anymore.


End file.
